Recovery

I feel clouded and isolated at night. The thought of starting therapy is frightening. It’s the only way I’ll get better, but part of me doesn’t want to get better. Part of me wants to stay this way forever because I know what it’s like. I don’t know how to be normal again. It’s easier to pretend everything is fine.

Peel

Do you ever feel trapped in your skin? It makes you want to rip it off? Peel the skin and flesh off your bones. Become just nothing.

Nothing is what I deserve to be.

Forward

Life has improved. It may be temporary, but I’ll take it. This week has been good. I’ve been happy. I even achieved a major life goal! I hope it stays this way.

Some facts about me

I wanted to write a bit more about myself, both for anyone reading my blog and for my own sake.

I am nonbinary. Nonbinary means that you do not identify as neither male nor female. It is a valid gender identity. It does not mean I have “no genitals”. Gender=/=Sex.

I identify as a lesbian. How can I be a lesbian if I am not a woman? I guess it’s a bit complicated. There are no labels for nonbinary people. Heterosexual is exclusive to men and women. It was not made with nonbinary people in mind, and therefore I’m not comfortable with it.
I’m feminine, and drawn towards “womanly” things. I like women. I feel lesbian is the thing closest to me, at I will use it until something better comes up.

I am very interested in gaming. I especially love first person shooters and roleplaying games. I rarely play online with other people because I have severe social anxiety.
My top five favourite games, in no specific order, are Silent Hill 2, Bioshock, Final Fantasy VII, Dishonored, and Dragon Age 2.

I’m pagan and a witch. My mother was also a witch, so I grew up with it. I used to watch her contact spirits, and lay tarot spreads. She did simple spells with me. She used to take me out into the forest where we would burn bits of papers with secret wishes written on them.
Now I do it all on my own. I have my own tarot deck. I do more complicated spells. I’ve learned a lot, and taken my own witchy path.
As a child, I believed in the Norse mythology. I still do. I wouldn’t say I ever “followed” it or anything. But I found comfort in it. I’ve always loved all mythology, but Norse mythology is what stuck with me. It felt like home. And it still does.

I’m autistic and mentally ill. I used to feel ashamed over it, but I’ve learned to embrace it. I’m not lesser because of it.
I want to end all the stigma around neurodivergency and mental illness. It’s very important to me.

I don’t really have many friends. I have three friends I talk to regularly. Only one that I sometimes meet. Everyone else are too far away. I don’t go out much, and it’s hard for me to get close to people because if my social difficulties. I just stay at home, alone with my mother and cats. I want to change because I’m not happy like this.

That’s all I’ll write for now. I can’t think of much else to write.