Tonight I found a song in an old playlist. A song T sent to me, he said it reminded him of me. A song full of emotion and imagery. A song from a better time.
First I felt happy I found it. Then I felt something else. Not sure what. Then I started crying.
We barely talk anymore. I want to, but I just can’t. I don’t have the energy to talk to people. At least not people I actually care about. I guess I feel it’s better to push them away. I only let people down. I’ve let him down. I love him. No one’s made me happier. He’s my favourite person. My best friend. I miss him. I want to talk to him. But I can’t bring myself to do it. It hurts. I was better during those years, and then I got worse.
Now everything is a dark cloud. I don’t want to infect him.
My heart hurts.
I dreamed of the slaughter of children. Little girls, hunted and chopped down by men. They were first used as living sex dolls. Arms and legs had been removed. Helpless. Filled with seed. Then they were thought to be evil, so they had to be massacred. They screamed and tried to hide. I watched from the perspective of one of the little girls, hiding in a small cave with a man right outside. I was scared, begging he would not spot me.
Then I woke up. I felt unmoved by this dream.
I can’t silence my mind, everything is loud and garbled. I feel as if I no longer am here.
My head is spinning. I feel the urge to be possessed, powerless, out of control. An entity living my life for me. Protecting me from reality. Keeping me safe back in my mind.
I can never be what they want me to be.
I feel afraid. It feels like something is going to creep up on me. Like it’s waiting for the right moment.
Lately I haven’t been wanting to sleep. The thought of going to bed makes me anxious. I don’t know why. I’ve always loved sleeping, because it’s the one time I don’t have to worry about anything. But now that’s been taken away from me.
My mind is shrouded in fog and I can’t see the light. All I hear is static. I’m haunted by nightmares.
Something old is trying to get out. Something that’s been locked away in my mind. I can’t remember it, but my dreams have all been related to memories lately. Puzzling it togther, while being hunted.
I’m afraid of remembering.
I am tired and I want to sleep, but I keep having weird, intrusive thoughts. I want to cut my own skin off.
Just relax, just go to sleep.